Today is a New Day
It’s been so long since I've updated this blog that I had
forgotten it even existed. At my outset, I had been eager to keep a running
journal of my thoughts and my life via this page. However, I’m afraid that my
desire to compose essays rather than genuine ‘journal’ pieces has kept me from
setting aside the time to produce something acceptable for consumption.
Today that all changes. It’s my intention to regularly
contribute my thoughts and ideas whether they be grammatically sound and edited
six times or not. As my initial goal was to treat this as a cathartic outlet, I
feel it is only fair I give it one more shot.
So where to begin?
The day that I composed my first post I was nervous, excited
and unsure of my future. Today, I am the same. It’s funny how we believe that
certain events in our lives will somehow give us more clarity on who we are and
what we want. At times this holds true, but most times these events just bring
us more questions and desires and goals to be answered and fulfilled.
More than two years ago, after starting this blog, I packed everything
in my life that I could fit into a van and I drove away from what was familiar
to me. Leaving my family and friends and the comforts of my little cottage was
one of the most difficult and simultaneously exhilarating experiences of my
life.
To try and detail my life abroad for the past two years in
one post would be a fruitless undertaking. I thought perhaps, instead I would
share some things I have learned along the way in both my lifetime and my
travels.
Loneliness is what you make of it. Commonly perceived as a negative emotion – and at times truly is – loneliness is something that you quickly learn to appreciate for a variety of different reasons.
Particularly because there is a variety of different forms
of loneliness to be felt.
I suppose the most obvious place to start is human contact,
or simply socializing in general. I happened to be lucky enough to have my dog
with me. For a very long time it was just her and I. Transitioning from a hyper
social to a completely solitary life can be a tremendously difficult experience
emotionally and having my dog to talk to and be somewhat ‘social’ with made an
incredible amount of difference.
Nothing can replace the familiarity of your closest friends.
I am an outgoing individual and I’m lucky enough to meet new people daily in my
everyday life. However, it took returning home and walking into my best friend’s
house to fully grasp how it feels to truly be surrounded by home.
You see, loneliness can be geographically based as well.
Spending endless amounts of time in strange and new locations can be the loneliest
feeling of all. Getting lost, truly and utterly lost, is one of the most
humbling experiences of my life. The fear and desperation and despair that you
feel at your complete inability to help yourself is indescribable.
This leads to another form of loneliness – support.
Traditionally I am a relatively self sufficient person. I was raised to be responsible
for myself and I rarely rely on anyone for anything based on the sheer
discomfort it causes me to do so. However, the few times I have truly needed
someone in my life, I’ve always been able to call my father or Travis. When you’re
5000km away from these people, you have a jarring realizing that you are truly
alone.
All of these examples I have provided sound negative, I’ll
admit. But if you simply look at them in a different light you can see why I
began this topic with a positive tone.
Despite popular belief, you do not become bat-shit crazy
after spending hours and hours and days and days alone. In fact I’d be inclined
to argue the opposite. Solitude gives you the opportunity to actually stop and
listen to what’s going on in your head and your heart . Once you can appreciate
how much is going on in there that you distort and drown out with television,
social media and other forms of crap, you learn to truly appreciate solitude.
Being new places is exciting. It also allows you to never
really be mad about traffic because you have no idea how long it should take to
normally get there. I will admit that sometimes it is just nice to know where
you’re going and the fastest route to take. Eventually you come to terms with
your geographic failings and you just accept that until you’re willing to call
somewhere home, you are always going to feel a little bit lost.
Being lost and alone or having your vehicle broken into, or
simply sleeping alone in a tent in an unfamiliar wilderness are all incredibly
lonely experiences the first time around. Conversely, finding your way home,
and waking up the next morning un-mauled by bears are some of the greatest moments
that life has to offer - true independence and validation that you can do it
alone. You can survive and indeed you can have a little fun doing it.
In the years since I left my home, and started this blog, I
have grown and changed as a human being. I am more self aware, I can say no
when I truly mean it, and I do what makes me happy, not what I feel will make
others approve of me.
Moving away has brought me freedom from the pain in my past
that I thought I could never escape. The distance from the places and people
that made all those memories in my life so prevalent has allowed me to distance
my heart from them, make sense of things that didn't make sense back home and
to let go of the things that I can’t change or understand.
Albeit I am also missing out on the great things at home, my
family, my friends and my past life. I feel as though when I am here, every day
is a new day filled with possibility for me. I am not held back by my past life
experiences, instead I am set free by the possibilities of my future.
Am I happier since I left home and started a new life? I
guess it depends on what day you ask me. Overall, my life has changed for the
positive. I still don’t know who I am, or where I am going in this world, but I
feel like I am starting to learn finally. Being true to myself and staying
strong against whatever obstacles I encounter has been my goal since leaving. I
feel like I’ve stayed true to that. Would I like things to start getting
easier? Sure. Am I ready to start sharing my life with people again? I think
so.
Today is a new day
and I welcome it with open arms.
