New Perspective

New Perspective

I never know where to start with these. 

My instinct is to select a topic and to start composing an essay. But I am no longer in school and this is a blog not a paper to be graded so I suppose I can just ramble off whatever nonsense I like.

I miss my home. I miss my friends and my family and the people and places that are familiar to me. Moving is fantastic and for the first little while you feel as though your entire life is a vacation filled with new experiences. Waking up each day is exciting and fulfilling and you don’t want to miss a single instant sleeping because there is so much to see and do. For an entire year that was my life. I had no interest in building social bonds or meeting people, I just wanted to experience this place on my own terms, find my own favourite hiding spots and take in everything around me without any outside influence.

More so I just wasn't ready to share my life with people anymore.

When you try and explain this to people who see you as an outgoing social butterfly it can result in some serious confusion on their part. Most people don’t understand what happened to make me want to withdraw from my social circles and focus more on my inner self.

I’m still happy and friendly these days, just much more selective about whom I let in to my life.

Up until recently, that was essentially no one.

Those who know me, know I am resolutely self-contained. I have an inability to ask for help and an equally strong inability to trust anyone offering me help. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.

For some reason, I consider asking for help in life to be equivalent to cheating. I truly believe that you are depriving yourself of a gratifying experience by copping out and letting someone do the leg work. As a result, I tend to be someone whom you ask for help rather than offer it to.

It may sound insane, but I have found that in most circumstances there really isn't anyone out there better suited to solve my problems than me.

I revel in the suffering that comes before the solution. 

I don’t know if it was how I was raised or simply an ideology I developed throughout my life, however I firmly believe that suffering builds character, self-reliance builds self-esteem and self-fulfillment builds self-worth.

So for many years of my life - practically the entire thing - the act of asking someone for assistance was like torture to me. I avoided it at all costs and resented myself for days after the fact at times when I did need help.

Moving away was just an extreme extension of this. When I left, I needed a lot of help in ways that I didn't know how to ask for. I was hurt and confused and I had lost my ability to trust even my own good judgment. I had put all of my trust in one person, thinking that was a way to limit my suffering as it relates to my correlation of self-worth to self-containment. However when that trust was broken I was deeply affected by it. I felt more alone and misguided than I ever had in my life. And rather than trust anyone else with my problems, I simply ran away. I ran as far away as I could go.

I believed the solution that would follow my suffering was more self-awareness. 

Thinking that solitude would bring clarity to the mess in my head, I avoided social interaction and opted to spend all of my time alone in the wilderness. For many months I suppressed my sorrows with new adventures and interesting experiences, spending hours upon hours alone, thinking that would help me come to terms with my troubles.

What I discovered when I had finally had enough of the loneliness and solitude was that I had made no actual progress in dealing with the issues I had brought with me from home.

In fact I had spent so much time alone that I felt I was even further away from being able to trust people – especially strange people I had no connection to. I struggled with the idea of dating immensely. I knew I wanted and needed a partner to share my experiences and thoughts with, but I was also acutely aware of my inability to allow someone into my life enough for them to want to stay.

I excel at keeping people at arm’s length, at changing the subject when the topic turns to me, and at deferring compliments, sentiments and niceties that are directed my way. I would pride myself on my staunch resolution to remain unaffected.

However, after reflecting upon myself for quite some time, I came to the realization that it was not inner strength at the root of my consciousness it was inner weakness. My self-isolation, and lifelong inability to trust others and ask for help did not stem from a positive place but rather was a reactionary consequence of my negative life experiences. With each negative experience came a realization of vulnerability that I saw as a potential weakness to be exploited. So like an engineer, I would analyze the constructs of my unhappiness and make a list of all I had done wrong to bring it upon myself. After I had established the cause of my pain I would resolve myself to never allow it to happen again.

A lifetime of this behavior and I found myself in place with hundreds of acquaintances. The only person who truly knew me was gone and had hurt me in ways that were preventing me from allowing myself to find anyone to fill their void.

I began to look at the people I considered to be weak – the ones who love and trust easily, who lean on their friends for support and aren't afraid to admit their deepest secrets and emotions – and recognize the strength in their openness to social bonding. I envied their ability to forgive and forget, to give second and third and fourth chances and to trust their secrets and failings to someone other than themselves.

At some point along this path of self-discovery, I made a decision to put myself into more emotionally dangerous situations. Almost immediately I was deeply hurt by someone I trusted and cared for. But instead of blaming myself and internalizing my discomfort, I did something I've never done before, I shared my thoughts and feelings with someone else, and in the process inadvertently made a friend. Unexpectedly, I found someone who I could share my experiences with who I truly believed understood them.

By talking about it with someone and listening to their advice and similar experiences I came to the realization that there are other people out there who think the same as me. Albeit not very many, but they existed!! By choosing to open myself up to pain and disappointment, I had also opened myself up to happiness and companionship. I now understood why people chose to rely on one another. The sense of comfort in having someone empathize with your insecurities and fears was something I had never really experienced.

I had found strength in vulnerability. 

Did this mean I was off running around sharing my innermost thoughts and fears with every person I met? No. Did I feel comfortable enough to trust someone completely from a romantic or true friendship standpoint? Also no.

But in the years since I have left home I feel I have grown immensely in my ability to simply ask someone for advice or to burden someone with my problems when I need a reprieve from the weight of them on my shoulders.

It may be a very long time before I am ever capable of trusting someone the way I am supposed to. But I think if I spread it out, and put little bits of trust in the people I feel deserve it, then one day I will get to a point where I can find one person I trust completely. Until then, I am working towards being more open, more vulnerable and less self-compartmentalized.

Am I a healthy human being? Probably not. Am I ready to seriously share my heart with someone, not very likely. But the only way to find out is to try. I am tired of being alone and suffering to build my character. From this point forward vulnerability is my new source of strength. 

I leave you with those thoughts and the following quote:

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." 
                                                                                                                             -Joseph Addison